Date: 5/5/2015

Title: CONQUER KEY MOMENTS – PART 2

By Jill Olson

A key moment is an event or situation which presents a challenge to us and demands a response. The key moment occurs; we interpret it according to our paradigms; we assign meaning to the moment; we experience feelings about the moment; we behave following the key moment; we move down a positive or negative pathway. Wow! That’s a lot of absorb, and the whole thing must take minutes upon minutes to go through….right? No, the response chain can happen very quickly.

The beginning parts to the response chain (interpretation according to paradigm, assignment of meaning, experience of feelings) can take only a matter of seconds. The interpretation part can be almost natural, as it is based on our paradigms (core beliefs). It is a “go to” thought for us, almost automatic. The interpretation is the “spin” we put on an event. The spin is driven by our core beliefs.

Briefly reviewing the four paradigms discussed in last week’s column: fear, duty, achievement, and integrity. If I operate from a fear paradigm, then a key moment reinforces how much people are against me. If I operate from a duty paradigm, then a key moment reminds me that I’m not OK unless people like me, which is based on the things I do. If I operate from an achievement paradigm, a key moment is interpreted as to whether or not I look good to others. If I operate from an integrity paradigm, the event presents an opportunity for me to learn.

Note the tremendous difference in beliefs according to paradigm. Notice how the belief leads immediately to an assignment of meaning, which flows directly to a feeling. Behaviors are chosen to fit the feeling.

For example: a co-worker fails to attend a meeting where you are leading a presentation. She said she would be there to support you. The response chain would flow something like this:

• FEAR: She didn’t come to the meeting, because she knew I would blow the presentation. I feel angry. I ignore her phone call.
• DUTY: She didn’t come to the meeting to support me….poor, poor me. I’ll have to struggle through without her. I feel disappointed. I go home and call my mother to whine, while I snack on half of a pie.
• ACHIEVEMENT: She didn’t come to the meeting, because she knew I’d do better at the presentation than she ever could. I feel exaggerated importance. I call this to her attention when I see her.
• INTEGRITY: She didn’t come to the meeting, because something else came up to take her time. I feel confident about my presentation skills, anyway. When I see her, I tell her about my presentation and ask her how her day has been going.

The key moment in the response chain is that point in time where a person can discipline oneself to pay attention to the paradigm from which he/she is operating. It is the moment of choice. We can make a conscious choice about how to respond. We can notice (be aware of) the paradigm that is driving our interpretation, which leads to our feelings.

Many people think that learning to “behave better” (conquering your key moment) is all about controlling your feelings. The crucial piece is NOT to control your feelings, but to notice the interpretation we are assigning to the event. Change the interpretation, change your feeling, change your behavior. Or, in other words, changing your interpretation of an event leads to more manageable and honest feelings, which leads to positive behavior and a trip down the pathway to success.

To a large degree, the quality of our lives can be determined by how we handle our key moments. When we make a conscious choice to examine our paradigms and the connection they have to the meaning we assign an event, we give ourselves an opportunity to be more positive. We give ourselves a chance to control our lives, rather than to be a pawn. And life becomes more enjoyable!

Key moments are always going to happen. There will always be challenging moments for us. To handle them positively is empowering!

To learn more about how to practice this understanding, contact Results Group, LLC at www.ResultsGroupLLC.com or 515-330-2866.